so here i am again. yah its the last day of spring break but its good friday and your not supposed to have fun. and plus my mom is getting mad at me for going out too much? but i dont wanna push it and get grounded so im just gonna chill. so we went to the loveboat for like the last time for lent. what can i say, we're savages. "we will tear u up" then went to buy that stupid board for senior exhibition, stupid shit. and i went home cause i was tired as hell. and i tried sleeping before i had to go to church but i ended up watching tv. then i went to church and man was it crowded. geez and i kept coughing my ass off and my eyes just kept watering and i felt like shit. and it was long. i feel bad cause during church i just kept thinking about other stuff. dammit, i cant even think straight at church. all i do is think about everything. i guess mostly i kept thinking about one thing. do u really have to ask? whats the one thing ive been thinking/talking/worrying/concerned/etc. about for the past how many weeks. yes thats right, d.r.[u should noe who] call me crazy, but do i really care what u think? ha, maybe i am crazy. i dunno what it is but i cant help BUT care about him. why? i dunno. i guess i really really like him, even if things arent working out right now. and i dont noe exactly how he feels. hell do i even noe how i feel about this? i dunno. its like i noe how i feel for him, but at the same time i dont? confusing shit huh? like u noe how when people say they get all warm and fuzzy inside, or they get butterflies in their stomach? i get all that when im with him. its the weirdest thing. its like in the movie head over heels or something. i dunno its hard to explain but it scares me. this has never happened before, its so weird. maybe i am crazy. i wish this would all make sense u noe? like yah i noe things happen for a reason but i guess im trying to find the reason to all this. even if he didnt think so, the truth was being with him made me soooo... happy, u dont even noe. yah things arent going so great right now, but how everything was before this was great. maybe he didnt think so, but i sure did. i dunno what im trying to say? its funny cause i think about this like all the time, and yet, i dont really understand it or noe how to explain it. i guess too many thoughts can mess up your mind. and i dont noe how he feels or what the hell he thinks about. sometimes i wish i could read his mind so maybe things would be a lot easier. but i cant, and i really hope he noes that i cant. but i dunno. i noe he has some stuff that has been bothering him lately, but i dunno exactly what. but i guess its up to him if he wants to tell me or not. damn, i really dont noe what to do. i wish someone can tell me what to do about all this, like a little manual or something. like maybe he can tell me what to do, but i noe he cant. it doesnt work that way camille. life IS tough and sometimes we just need someone to be there i guess. i dont think he noes or sees how much i care for him or how special he is to me. i hope he does. i dunno, i should be telling him all this stuff huh? i dunno. i just hope that he noes that im always here for "whatever". if theres anything i can do to help or just to talk, im there. haha. i dont noe what the hell im thinking. sorry for this corny entry. just some crazy thoughts from a crazy girl. hey shuddup, why u reading this anyway STUPID! blog u laters..
"Why is it when you suddenly find the courage to tell someone something, it just backfires on you and makes you feel like you've been a fool to think that telling the truth would have helped?" ain't that the truth? i found that on someone else's blog. why am i awake this early on spring break when i dont have to be. geez, i would go back to sleep but im sick and i cant breathe through my nose, which sucks. plus ive been coughing my ass off for the past week and now its actually hurting my stomach when i cough; isnt that lovely? yesterday was purdy weird? first i had to drive my auntie all over the place cause she needs all these things cause they are going back to PI. then i came home cause josiah and dimitri were supposed to come over, but kris was all, cant today we'll come later this week. so then me, maricel, and grace went to go look for fabric for prom and renassaince [is that how u spell it?] fair. turned out to be boring so we left and went shopping. again didnt find anything and grace had to go home so we took her home and me and maricel were like, great, what we gon do now? so we went to my house to think, haha. then maricels cell phone goes off and its justinV. he was all lets go do something tonite, and we were all yah, we miss kicking it with the boys. and he was all yah us too, we havent kicked it in a while. then me and maricel were all 'aw'. stupid kraft, i swear, haha. so we was gon kick it with them and stuff, but it didnt work out so i guess we'll go later in the week. hey i did not tell maricel to go on a double date. that retard is just being OA. haha. i didnt really feel like going out anymore because i was all frustrated but instead we went to ruths house to visit her grounded ass. it was hella funny though cause what the hell were we talking about the whole f-ing nite? yes thats right, 'refridgerator'. its looks spelled wrong, ah well, they noe what im talking about. thats some crazy shit, i swear. but man, if that happened we would be SO happy. did u see how we were talking about it? haha thats silly! never would have thought, but its really fun just talking about it. haha, whatever. but anyways, i cant wait till this month is fucking over. maybe the 'mood' will be different. i swear, does he noe what he does to me? its like one minute everythings fine and then all of sudden its like bleh. does he try to make me mad on purpose or something? sometimes it seems like that and its just frustrates me. geez, i wish i could just erase all my feelings cause then everything wouldnt be as complicated, u noe? or would they still be complicated? do boys noe what the hell they are doing? its funny cause boys always think we're crazy or something. like they probably wonder why the fuck we act the way we do sometimes when the reason is because of stupid boys. i swear we never win. i dunno what the hell im talking about. maybe i coughed too much that i lost some brain cells..haha. i dunno, life sucks. hey that all u wanted song by michelle branch is on. i can so relate to it. man i found so many songs with some good lyrics. "if u want to, i can save u/ i can take u away from here/ so lonely inside, so busy out there/ and all u wanted was somebody who cares/ im sinking slowly/ so hurry hold me/ your hand is all i have to keep me hanging on/ please can u tell me, so i can finally see/ where u go when your gone."
