where to start? this has been one of the toughest weeks i have ever had to deal with. ive been so lost, confused, frustrated, angry, horrible, crappy, sad, etc.-and thats putting it lightly. its funny how we say or do things that we dont mean to say or do when we are angry. its a good thing i didnt say what i was going to say because things could have been a lot worst. i didnt get to talk to dexter yet. i wasnt home when he called and i think there was a reason for that. it gave me more time to think about all this. ive never done so much thinking in my life. yesterday was hard as hell. i went to school telling myself i had to talk to him. no matter what i was going to say all that i have been wanting to say to him since saturday when he told me we should just be friends. at lunch i went to him and talked to him. it was weird because he's been my best[guy]friend, dont worry pQ u guys are always the best friends ever, for the past how many months. i mean we talked on the phone almost everyday about anything and this past week i couldnt even look at him. maybe it was the way i approached him or i dunno but talking to him for those few seconds was very difficult. difficult because i had so much anger and hurt inside. i went to fifth period pissed as hell, i guess cause that little conversation between me and dexter wasnt at all pleasant. i found myself crying in the darkroom. and i talked to ten, richell, and mr. wachs. they helped me a lot. i realized how angry i was and that everything i wanted to say to him was out of my anger. and that if i did say what i wanted to say, i would in the future regret it. i went to jamies house after school and tried hard not to think about it. but to tell u the truth this whole situation has been the only thing i can think about. while i was out i guess he called my house because i told him that i needed to talk to him. but when i got home i fell asleep and i woke up later and i started thinking again. since our senior ad was due soon i started looking at all our pictures. i saw all these pictures of him and me. i realized that this year has so far been one of the greatest of my life. and the most happiest and special memories made this year was when i was with him, and i wouldnt trade them for anything in the world. and i started crying because even with all that has happened this past week, i really wish i could have our friendship back. because i really miss that the most. i miss talking to him on the phone and having my 'bestfriend' call me a loser. i miss us laughing at the stupidest things and making sure we didnt do anything bad. and thinking about all this hurt a lot. accepting something that u wish wasnt true is f*ing hard to do. and i guess i have now accepted the fact that there is no more 'us'. and everything that i wanted to say to him yesterday i dont want to say anymore because it will get me no where. all those things were out of anger and that would only make me feel horrible. the only things i want to say is im sorry. im sorry for the way ive acted this past week. i feel like a horrble jerk. all i really want is my friend back. and if there is at any possible way for me to get our friendship back, please tell me because i would jump at the chance. i dont noe if you'll ever read this dexter, but i care about u so much that it hurts. and i guess thats why im letting go. i think its better this way and i noe there is a reason to all this. but i dunno. am i over-reacting to all this? oh well. but i guess thats it. dont worry everybody im okay. thanks to all u guys who helped me this week, i dont noe what i would have done without u guys. sorry if i bugged the hell out of u for only talking about this, haha. oh well, i guess im done.
yup me again. i cant stop thinking. i hate how things are. why the F* are they like this. shEt. again...WHY! and i hate how i act like nothings wrong. at school im trying so hard to not think about it and act like everythings okay when its not. why do i do that? dammit i dunno. then again why are things like this? maybe if all this shEt didnt happen i wouldnt have to PRETEND that everything is okay. eh, things happen for a reason right. can someone tell me this reason. GOOD LORD, i hate times like these. do you understand what im going through cause i sure in hell dont. do you understand what your putting me through. cause it seems like you dont. i hate when people repeatedly ask whats wrong and are u okay when they noe that it doesnt help one bit. sorry for all this nonsense but this is all my frustration typing. i give up. people can be such jerks. aRgh.
talk about unexpected. i've just been so blank for the past few days. just back to one of those moments when you wish life was easy. never been so lost and confused in my life. eh, i dont wanna get into it though. it's funny how we had stupid little nicknames for each other huh? i would call u nerd and you would call me loser. well thanks for helping me live up to that nickname. i guess if u think about it, i really was the loser.
found some good ol quotes: [some say love but that doesnt mean i was in love alrite. just change the loves to likes]
-it is impossible to love and be wise.
-dont say u love me unless u really mean it. i might just do something crazy and actually believe it.
-the hardest part in loving a person from a distance and not being able to hold his hand and embrace him tight and tell him how much you love him because you are only a friend.
-think things over if you are really sure about how you feel for him. dont fall too hard not knowing where you stand, cause it will hurt real bad when things dont go the way you want them to be.
