ok this sucks cause i wrote a hella long blog during third period today but it didnt show up, so i'll try to remember it..[thinking]
confused- a word i have been using to describe the way i feel for quite some time now. i learned that saying that word is much easier then saying all of my mixed emotions: sad, happy, angry, pissed, frustrated, etc. But what is stupid is how much i resent that word. i hate knowing that i dont understand anything (school, people, family, friends, boys, myself). i just wish life could be so simple. But hell, my wishes never come true. And wishing, what good does that get me? i just always get my hopes up and end up with what? nothing.
fool- the best word to describe me. i swear im like life's fool. everytime something/anything starts to look good for me and i start getting my hopes up..BAM! it's gone. why is it that things can be so great and then the next day its the total opposite? am i asking for too much? geez, what a fool i am. really how stupid was i to have felt anything eh? i knew i shouldn't have had any feelings at all. i didn't want to admit to it, everyone else did, but I didnt't. cause i knew that once i admitted to it, i would be left yet again with nothing. but after i told myself not to have any feelings i ended up being the loser and admitting that i did have them after all; because hell, you can never tell your heart who to like and who not to like, right? and that really sucks.
but anyways, im not really making sense. i have so many thoughts in my head right now that im getting dizzy, seriously. And i noe the other krafts are like why the hell is camel trippin so much? goshy, i wish i REALLY knew. there i go wishing again. well, basically i feel like a big ass fool. i wanted to believe in something/someone but at the same time i kinda knew i would be let down (again). but oh well, winter ball is tonite but it doesn't sound all that great. geez, why am i acting like this? i feel so stupid. and i think about everything and start getting mad. i start getting mad at other people but i guess i should just be mad at myself and my stupid decisions. and everyone keeps asking me, "whats wrong?" and i can't exactly anwser it cause theres just too much to say, too much on my mind that im getting dizzy, its not even funny. i dunno. geez, i hate myself for ever feeling anything..thanks, thanks for making me feel this way..cause hell it's not like i was ever completely happy in the first place right? ok, so why am i complaining again? pshh..i dont wanna care anymore..
what and f*ing day..[this might be a long blog] geez..what is up with all the crap?! it seemed like it was gonna be a good day cause theres no poli sci today, and those are the best days right? ok well, why am i in a crappy mood? bleh! i hate this..what is up..ok well mr. perfect, he's like with some chick right now..but i didnt really care right now cause, hm?..of course i would want something with him but..not right now, that would be to complicated..and he doesnt exactly know how i feel..but i dont need all that right now..but i dunno..i guess maybe i have had my eye on someone else..haha..sorry kraft for not telling any of you guys but whatever..im not gonna tell anyone..hehe..but yah..you can say that..and this whole weekend i kept thinking about this guy i guess..its weird..and i kept asking myself why do i keep thinking about him?..and i was like 'oh my God, am i starting to like him?' and once that question popped into my head i started trippin..i guess i did that cause i didnt want to admit to myself that maybe i was starting to have feelings for him..i dunno..i NEVER know..goshy..i swear..aRgh..i hate having someone on my mind and knowing that he can make you really happy and at the same time make you really sad..*sigh*..i dont noe what to say..again, bleh!..i dunno if it shows at school but im so frustrated with EVERYTHING..cant everything just be so much easier..GEEZ..im sOoOO tired of it all..im so sorry if i cant fix everything in the world but at least i try to make things work..dude..cant everyone in yb and a.m. just f*ing get along..i hate seeing everything like this..aRRrrRrRrgGgGGhHhHH..and dude..what is up mister?!?!?! aHhHhHh...something in my life or around me has got to be good..geez..dammit..i hate this..i hate this feeling..and probably the only that will help Brighten my mood is just to know that *ahem* cares..goshy..i feel like crying now..i dunno what else to say..tOo much on my mind again..dude..f* it!..
ok? what is up with all the anger? geez, i'll tell you what it is...STUPID F*ING BOYS. yah but im not gonna cuss and shit..haha..just playing no..im not mad like the other two..im in a pretty good mood..weird huh..yup, i cant really say why though..[sounding like a fob] im bery embarressed..eh..and its raining and it cold but im not complaining..everything is super..what was with after school? what is this like national boyfriend come to school to visit day?..well what about us kool independent women? 'throw your hands up at me"..yah right independent..me? psHh..wha-eva!..anyways..i cant stop smiling..im very stupid..ok..the end bye DoRk!
haha..im busting a grace, blogging in this so much..just playing..anyways i dunno, my mood is getting a little better, key word here little..but i dunno..sucks how theres school tomorrow..i hate school..really i do..everything sucks..im such in a bitter mood..but i shouldnt be huh? i guess not cause for once my wish came true..haha something funny just happened..two people just signed off at the same time..well one after another..haha..if u wanna noe who, ask me..well anyways..geez im being really stupid huh..i bet ruth thinks i am..*sigh* geez im so confused i dont noe how to explain anything right now..but hey wouldnt that be kool if we DID kick it them..wow..i would like faint or something..but geez..we're the same..i swear..well winter ball is this friday..woohoo..and i didnt even get a dance contract yet..boo for me..but its just winter ball..heh..our last winter ball..aww..we only have six more months..im sad..thats scary i wish we were all kids again..how kool..like how that one time last week in first period when we were all reminiscing about everything..haha..that was kool..'am i ever on your mind?..anytime?' oh well..i dunno..ok..i should go to sleep..im tired..as usually..hmm..i wonder what im gonna dream about..lets see..hey..funny thought..the girl from shes all that is named laney boggs..right?..haha..laney bLogs..haha..ok..Laney bLogs u later..i noe i noe..corny..ok..bye DoRk!
today was another bleh day. i finally finished that f*ing paper for english. geez, i dont think it was that difficult its just that i have too much to think about. see i have so much to say and yet im just blankly staring at the computer. i still have more stuff to do but maybe this might help me get some stuff outta my mind. dude, sorry if im not making sense right now cause im so befuddled about everything. i dont understand myself right now..what am i thinking? what am i feeling? geez, im just REALLY trippin, you don't know..and the weird thing is i had this sign..it seems real..im not making sense..im just talking..aRgh..i cant explain..hm..the only way i can really explain what ever the hell im going through right now is the song heaven by nu flavor..yup..exactly..geez..every single line in the f*ing song is what im feeling/thinking right now..but the weird thing is i wished something today, and most of the time my wishes never come true..but that one i made today just did..then why am i not happy? i dunno..i need to stop..i think too damn much..aRgh..i really hate me right now..sounds crazy i noe..but sorry to say its the truth..
